WELCOME to my weekly Agony Aunt column where I respond to readers’ dilemmas and problems. As a therapist and supervisor with 26 years’ experience working with adults and young people, there’s little I’ve not encountered in the counselling room.
Rather than giving advice (which therapists generally do not do), I prefer to reflect on what’s going on and possible courses of action. There is rarely a single ‘solution’.
I’d love to hear your dilemma - send it in to “What Would Jo Say?” via a direct message or email me at: jo@writeyourmind.co.uk. Your identity will remain confidential.
We’ve all experienced how friendship groups can be a hot-bed of powerful dynamics - often because each group-member is pulled into unconscious re-enactments from earlier life. Leader, follower, peace-maker, trouble-maker - there’s usually someone who presses our buttons…
Dear Jo,
I'm struggling with something in my closest friendship group. There’s one woman—let’s call her Kat —who always has to be the centre of attention. Whether we’re out for dinner, chatting in a group, or even messaging on the group chat, everything ends up revolving around her. What’s really frustrating is that the group just goes along with it. They accommodate her plans, her dramas, her moods—even when it’s annoying or unfair.
It’s like the group bends around her, and I’m starting to feel frustrated and invisible. But I don’t want to leave the group—I care about these friends, and they’ve been part of my life for years. Still, I can’t ignore how side-lined and resentful I’m feeling, it’s dominating my thinking and turning into an anxiety-feeling. Why does this bother me so much, and what can I do?
Answer:
Your frustration is valid, and it sounds like it goes deeper than just being annoyed by Kat hogging the limelight. This dynamic might be reactivating old, often unconscious, relational patterns and unmet emotional needs—perhaps ones tied to early experiences of being overlooked, needing to compete for attention, or feeling like your needs were consistently deprioritized in significant relationships.
People like Kat often occupy a magnetic role in group dynamics—not just because they demand attention (their own baggage!), but because groups unconsciously allow them to do so. The question becomes: What is being enacted here, and why?
You might be playing out a familiar role in this group—the quiet supporter, the observer, maybe even the one who keeps harmony at the cost of your own voice. This may have served you in the past, possibly in your family of origin or early peer groups, where expressing frustration or claiming space didn’t feel safe or welcomed. When we fall back into these familiar roles, it can feel both strangely comfortable and deeply unsatisfying.
It’s worth considering what Kat might represent to you emotionally. Is she symbolic of someone from your past—a sibling, a parent, a peer—who always stole the spotlight? The intensity of your irritation may be about more than just this current dynamic; it might be brushing against deeper feelings of invisibility, competition, or emotional neglect.
What’s empowering here is your awareness—you see the dynamic, and you know it’s not working for you. That’s the first step toward change. You don’t need to abandon the group, but you may need to experiment with stepping out of your usual role. That could mean gently challenging Kat when she dominates the conversation, or more importantly, asserting your own needs and presence in the group—perhaps by initiating plans, naming your feelings, or simply refusing to defer when something doesn't sit right with you.
This may stir discomfort—not just in you, but in the group, as systems often resist change. But if your friendships are real and solid, they can withstand this kind of growth. So often in these situations, you can bet that if one person’s feeling something, they are not alone! It may be that your change in behaviour initiates a general shift, and you find yourself spending more time with certain group members whose company you genuinely enjoy - there’s nothing wrong in that!
The power of friendships. Something central in the work I do with young people. Thank you for this incite, useful to hear the adult perspective. I have to admit I read this and am now curious about some of my friendship. Thank you for the reminder that friendships deserve time and energy and communication is key.
Been there, done that, when you have an Alpha female in the group and everyone follows like sheep!
The power of friendships. Something central in the work I do with young people. Thank you for this incite, useful to hear the adult perspective. I have to admit I read this and am now curious about some of my friendship. Thank you for the reminder that friendships deserve time and energy and communication is key.