"What would Jo say?" - I hook a guy then can't wait to get away

- why moving forwards involves looking back

WELCOME! to the very first “WHAT WOULD JO SAY?” - a new dilemmas page here on Substack, where I’ll be responding to problems sent in, drawing on my 26 years of practice as a psychodynamic therapist.

‘What would Jo say?’ is something clients have often quoted in the therapy room. They tell me that when they’re struggling, for whatever reason, in between sessions, and wishing that I were by their side to consult with, or lean on for support, they will try to imagine what I might be saying to them.

In this week’s question, a young woman is baffled by why she repeatedly loses interest in her love-conquests, once hooked…

Question:
I’m a female in my early 30’s and feeling frustrated that none of my relationships seem to work out. Through my 20’s I admit I was a big party-goer, drinking regularly as well as dabbling in drugs (only on nights out), so inevitably I’d find myself in some situations where I’d regret who I became involved with while under the influence.

But now I’m older and like to think I’ve grown up a bit, I’m yearning for something more settled. But I seem to repeat a pattern where I’ll feel genuinely attracted to a guy, into him for a few weeks if we become an item, then start to find fault, lose interest and can’t wait to get away.

How am I choosing people I like, and then as soon as I get to know them better, I’m desperate to escape?

Answer:
Thankyou for being courageous and voicing your issue - also, for getting the ball rolling on this brand new problem page.

Hmmm, it’s challenging to really unpick what might be going on here without knowing more about you. As a psychodynamic therapist, I’m always interested in early family dynamics, and learnt ways of being that we can then unconsciously repeat in other relationships as we move through life, particularly intimate ones. For example, if you felt let down by a parent, you may have split yourself off from them emotionally, for psychological survival.

So we adapt to difficult situations in order to cope, and I wonder if you are re-enacting something from your early life that protected you then - but now, keeps you from establishing and maintaining intimacy, because that feels dangerous. Like Pavlov’s dogs, if we’ve been stung in the past, our protective mechanisms can jump to action without us always being aware of it.

You may be unconsciously selecting partners who echo something that was familiar to you in your childhood – for example, choosing people who are also going to let you down, because there’s a familiarity to it. Even if something isn’t good for us, the comfort of the familiar often wins as the stronger pull.

Or it may be that you are seeking to re-enact some early, traumatic dynamic over and over, in the hope, each time, that this time it will be different - that this will be the person to fully see and understand you, and meet all of your unmet needs (of course, this is a fantasy as no-one can do that).

If you are behaving defensively by unconsciously choosing partners who are not a good fit, you may be homing in on more superficial qualities, plus never getting to tune into whether someone is decent or empathic, slowly allowing yourself to grow closer and place trust in them. Hence you are not learning that feeling of a reciprocal trust that develops intimacy, deepening the connection – and so on.

What you are doing, though, is holding control – in being the one that ends things – which may be a re-enactment of something painful in your distant past, with you now firmly in the driving seat. Letting go of that position of power and seeing what develops can make us feel vulnerable - it’s tough!

It may be that some of these relationships could be really good – but you’ve been reinforcing an older, learnt pattern of commitment avoidance, rather than honing your skills of understanding and tuning into what it is you are looking for in a partner. The flashing warning light should come on if someone isn’t a good fit, encouraging you to move on – or else allowing yourself to really get to know someone and see what emerges. Either way, these skills take practice, helping you understand both yourself, your needs and others better.

Though it feels rubbish, repeatedly feeling relationships are not working out, nevertheless there’s a heightening of emotion that comes with all this making and breaking – the chase, the romance, the excitement and then drama of breaking up. It sounds odd but we can become addicted to emotional rhythms learnt in early life. It may feel crappy – but you are at least feeling. Some people use feeling like this in a way that’s damaging to themselves. It’s called self-abuse.

You mention the partying, drinking and drugs; I wonder whether you have been medicating a struggle or pain that chases you, but has never really been addressed? Speaking with a therapist could be helpful, in untangling the dynamics of your adult (romantic) life from your childhood one.

It sounds clichéd, but perhaps turning your attentions towards what gives you contentment in life, outside of being in a couple, is just as important as working all this out. That way you’re getting to know yourself and your needs better - and people who are into what they love are always more attractive to others.

"What Would Jo Say?" is not a therapy session, it’s an advice column where I draw on my therapeutic knowledge and experience to offer support to those presenting their problems, by identifying possible ways forward for contemplation.

I also welcome comments and further chat on subjects broached.

Please send your problem to me via private message on Substack or email jo@writeyourmind.co.uk; I intend to offer a response to one per week.

It’s helpful to bear in mind that you’ll be putting yourself and your issues out there; resist including clear identifying details, and try to keep your query to a couple of paragraphs.

Please share this post with anyone you feel may be interested - subscribing means you’ll receive them as emails, you’re not locked into anything else Substack-wise.

I’m really thrilled to be sharing my expertise in this new way and offering support and reflection through the medium of writing!