I've overcome bulimia and body-shame/she's critical and manipulative...

what can I do to break out of the cycle?

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Question:
I'm 28 years old, female, and have had little to do with my parents since I was 18 (my choice), though we're not what you'd call estranged. This is mostly because my mother and I have always had a dysfunctional relationship. I'm not going into all the reasons, but one major issue is my body. My mother and younger sister are both naturally extremely skinny (my sister is always on the edge of being medically underweight, and mum was the same when younger), whereas my build’s more athletic and am naturally more muscular, with a tendency to gain (and lose) weight much more easily, though I was always a healthy weight.

Nobody would have considered me even close to overweight growing up, but mum was constantly telling me how fat and disgusting I was, criticising every tiny detail of my body. She banned me from wearing certain types of clothing, and was master of the backhanded compliment. It sounds crazy now, but as a teenager and even younger I obviously didn't realise that and it really messed with my body image.

I developed body dysmorphia and struggled with bulimia on and off for years, which my mum was somehow oblivious to. The only time she started to approve of my body and allowed me to wear shorts was when I'd dropped so much weight so quickly my periods stopped. It's only in the last few years that I've started undoing the damage and feel able to even look at old photos of myself to realise the truth of how I looked back then.

My problem now is that whenever I see her, and in the days building up to a visit sometimes, I still revert to my teenage mindset and panic about my body. I always feel absolutely huge (especially if my sister's around for comparison), self-conscious and even ashamed, all of which really goes against who I normally am now as a person and my beliefs about self-love and body positivity, which then makes me feel shallow and guilty, especially because realistically I know I'm a normal, healthy size.

Mum always comments on my weight, even if I'm looking ‘better’ than she expected. It's made worse by the fact that my weight does sometimes fluctuate due to a chronic health condition that causes periods of depression. I've gained weight recently due to medication - it's definitely noticeable and I'm not going to pretend I'm happy about it, but it's not my main priority right now... except when mum's around, when it's all I can think about.

It's so frustrating, because I feel like I actually turned out pretty well-adjusted against all the odds (and after a lot of hard work on my part), but when I see or hear from her I instantly revert to my messed up teenage mindset. It doesn't matter how fit and strong or successful I am, or even how good I look in other ways, when she's around all that matters is my weight, and I hate it.

Is there any way to break this cycle? Cutting contact further is sadly not a realistic option, and if I try to talk about it directly she gets defensive or goes into denial. I wish I didn't care what she thinks, but it's easier said than done even when logic is on my side.

Answer:
It may sound trite - but your simply putting these words down in your email marks the beginning of how you break this cycle. As with putting a first step on the rung of a tall ladder, it’s the beginning of a journey to a new place/way of relating.

It’s not uncommon for any of us to feel pulled back into our child-selves, with all the associated feelings from childhood family dynamics, when we visit parents. Growing up, we depend on them for so much, so we learn to fit in, for survival, for a roof over our heads; rebelling, walking away, is not an option. But now you are an adult. It’s amazing how you’ve moved on in so many ways, and it’s perhaps the hardest job of all to re-frame relationships with parents into one of adult-to-adult, if they’re unwilling or unable.

It’s no surprise that your relationship with your body was so dis-regulated, struggling to understand your own size and its meaning, and likely your relationship with food, given the messages about yourself you absorbed from an early age - probably from the very beginning. But you have done so much positive work, detaching yourself from this powerful influence and carving out a new way of being.

Your developmental journey is not yet finished, and it requires some further boundary-setting, within yourself. You say your mum denies or becomes defensive when you try to challenge what she says, and how it makes you feel. I know this tactic is so very powerful, and hard to get beyond. But the only way, apart from breaking off the relationship, is to decide for yourself what your boundaries are, and act on them.

Perhaps think of it as a kind but firm parental voice of your own (the one you might want to use if you have your own children). Calmly call your mum out when she criticises. Have a phrase ready in your mind (even keep it written down in your bag, or on your phone, a form of ‘arming yourself’, a small supportive talisman). Perhaps something like: ‘mum, I’ve already told you, it’s hurtful for you to keep criticising my body, and it’s not healthy. I like who I am and I want you to stop’. You may get bluster, and it may continue. If it does, you can calmly remind her that you don’t like what she’s saying and if it doesn’t stop, you’ll go.

Exit Stage, Left
Think of each example of your mum having a go as a familiar scene from a play that’s re-enacted on repeat, since your childhood. Everyone knows their part. Mum criticises, you don’t really do much about it, and so it continues. Yawn! If you walk off-stage, the other actors literally cannot finish the scene without you to play your part! What’s crucial is that you follow this through. Just like imposing boundaries with a toddler. You don’t need to stoop to her critical or unkind level.

You don’t mention your father - where is/was he in all this? I get the feeling he may not have asserted himself and stuck up for you, or perhaps keeps quiet for an easy life…? Think about his role in the family. Could he perhaps offer you anything supportive? Simply leaving a room can act powerfully, as the old dynamic cannot continue; your mum will be forced to reflect, and if she manipulates the situation to make you the bad person, well then I think you need to re-consider what the acceptable boundaries of your relationship with her are.

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