“I Don’t Want to Say Goodbye to My Therapist -
Have I fallen in love with her?"
Welcome to this week’s Dilemmas page, ‘What would Jo say?’ - an oft-quoted question my clients have told me they’ve asked themselves when faced with challenges out there living their lives, between sessions.
Send your problems to me at jo@writeyourmind.co.uk or by private message here:
This week, when we’re not ready to let go of our therapy; love, attachment and attraction - and what it can mean in the therapy room…
Dear Jo,
I’ve reached the end of my therapy, or at least that’s what my therapist says. We’ve done the work we set out to do, and I’m meant to be deciding when to end the sessions. The problem is, I don’t want to go. More than that—I think I’ve fallen in love with her.
I know it sounds like such a cliché - but it’s happened so subtly; I found myself really looking forward to our sessions. I felt seen and understood in a way I never had before, but somewhere along the line, it deepened into something I struggle to explain. It feels romantic, but also a bit maternal, or even spiritual. I think about her all the time, even finding myself (to my shame) ‘discovering’ new problems just to justify staying in therapy.
I’m not proud of this. I know she’s not my best friend or partner or parent. But the connection feels so real and important that the idea of never seeing her again makes me feel physically sick. I’m ashamed, confused, and scared that if I told her the truth, she’d think I was deluded or inappropriate—or worse, she’d end things sooner.
Should I tell her how I feel? Or is that a boundary I shouldn’t cross? I don’t want to ruin everything. But I also don’t want to lie my way into staying. I’m completely stuck and it’s making me feel ill, I’m not sleeping or eating properly. Like a besotted teen!
Answer:
Thank you for your honesty and bravery. What you’re feeling is more common than you might think—and very human! In psychodynamic therapy, we call this erotic transference: when powerful feelings—love, longing, even desire—become focused on the therapist. This isn’t ‘delusion’ or inappropriate; these emotions often emerge as part of the therapeutic process, rooted in childhood relationship dynamics and unmet needs being stirred up in the safe, attentive space therapy provides.
By the very nature of her role, your therapist may have come to represent not just a professional helper, but a source of care, attunement, unconditional acceptance—something we all long for. Wanting to stay close to that can feel overwhelming, especially as the work draws to a close.
What matters most now is not whether you should hide these feelings, but whether you can speak about them. Therapy is a safe, confidential space where our most vulnerable emotions can be named and explored—not acted on, but made sense of. Talking about your attachment, your grief and your longing could open up some new understandings as you approach your ending—and might even be the most important part of your work together.
You won’t be the first, or the last, to feel this way, and a good therapist will welcome the chance to explore it with care and respect. If you think about it logically, you don’t really know your therapist - it’s a feature of this unique relationship that you will know next to nothing of her and her life outside the therapy room, while she’s paid deep attention to you, which is something we all yearn for in our relationships.
The urge to hold on, to create reasons to stay, can be a way of managing the grief of saying goodbye—not just to the therapist, but to something deeper she may represent. Rather than hiding or feeling ashamed, I would encourage you to bring these feelings into the room. Therapy is the very place where such emotions can be explored—Speaking the truth may feel frightening, but it’s also courageous, and can open the door to genuine insight, healing, and ultimately, a more meaningful ending.
I welcome comments to this post:
Other Dilemmas posts you may have missed:
We Seem Like the Perfect Couple…then, I found something hidden in his desk drawer
I hook a guy then can’t wait to get away…
"What would Jo Say?" - A new space to share your problems with a seasoned therapist
That’s happened to me with a client recently! Thank you for the article. Very interesting