Gratitude (II)

‘Our minds are biased to interpret things very negatively'...How to cultivate the glass half full approach from therapist Jo Bisseker Barr

I experienced something really powerful recently as I was browsing through a magazine. I lingered in the Forward section where contributors answered questions on their dreams, favourite dinner spots, perfect holiday locations, and so on. My attention was caught by a young architect who was asked to name something on his bucket list. He said:

‘Make an indie rock music album’.

I was brought up short. I knew I’d been in a slump recently, when negative thoughts had ramped up and contributed to a feeling of deflation (the real danger-zone is waking in the early hours; this is when the List of Worries - all inflated or imaginary - can run away with itself). But I felt I could say ‘I already have that’ to the thing this accomplished young architect dreamed of. I sang and played guitar in indie bands in my youth and yes – we made an album. And what joyful, unmitigated fun that was – such a long time ago, now - though how often have I stopped to remember the sense of achievement and chance to be truly creative that came with it? When I stop to think about it, I’ve more often reached for a feeling of embarrassment, (don’t focus on me!) rather than pride, of ‘I made that!’

This architect’s words reminded me of what I did have to be grateful for – why does this become less accessible to us than what we don’t have? His dream home was somewhere with ‘open spaces and a real connection with the outside’. I’m lucky enough to live in the countryside, and to have recently moved deeper into the forest, to a smallholding with a parcel of land that’s ripe for a renovation adventure – a real u-turn in life, and such a privilege. It would be easy to dwell on a list of all the problems that need surmounting, rather than pausing to remind myself that here, I am surrounded by nature, beauty and open space. Not everyone has access to this.

For many years, I’ve spoken with clients about the value of keeping a gratitude list – a ritualistic practice that teaches us to seek out those things in life we can celebrate, feel uplifted by – no matter how tiny - and be reminded of our fortune to have them in our lives… from loyal friends to a patch of earth to dig in; from the uplifting feeling on hearing bird-song in spring to the smell of clean sheets on a bed. In these times, the bigger, though more intangible gifts such as our freedom, and safety to go about our daily lives comes into focus as well.

Professor Bruce Hood of the University of Bristol speaks of the human tendency to blow things out of proportion, focusing on our failings and inadequacies. On the courses he runs on the Science of Happiness, he talks about our need to find balance, because:

‘Our minds are biased to interpret things very negatively’.

This resonates, and feels somehow comforting; that it may be in our nature to incline towards the negative – so often, though, when our batteries are at an ebb, our resources down. I consider myself someone who generally sees the glass as half full but there are times when I can wake with a fleeting sense of dread, as if my job is to work out what I need to worry about.

To relax, this architect’s simplest joy for time out was doing whatever sports he loved, and ‘playing with my kids in the park’. We don’t have to have achieved huge things to value and appreciate the smallest satisfactions in life. And if we have reached hoped-for pinnacles, we’re just as likely as anyone else to brush them aside, rummaging around in our metaphorical rucksack of worries for something negative to grab hold of.

So – remember this: it is in our nature to reach to the worry-pot, the negatives, and skate over the things we take for granted. What was the point of making an album of songs if I can’t give some headspace over to celebrating how grateful I am – and proud I should feel - to always have that?

What is your own version of something you’ve achieved that you are not good at reminding yourself of? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to play a musical instrument, sing in a choir, or can joyfully belt out a song in your car; surely simply having a voice, that can be heard, is something we can be grateful for? In some societies this would be considered a rare and precious privilege.

"Every time you repeat a new habit, you are casting a vote for the kind of person you want to become. The more votes you cast, the stronger that identity becomes until one day ...it's just who you are." Charles Duhigg.

Think of three things you have to be grateful for, today. And try it again tomorrow. Perhaps write them in your diary. Or buy a lovely notebook for the task to turn it into a Gratitude Diary. Repeating something around thirty times is when new rituals start to become embedded practice. It could be the beginning of reaching towards the glass-half-full, if you’re struggling to see beyond the glass-half-empty.

And finally…
If - like me - you are in your middle years, you may be caring for elderly or ailing parents at a time when children are grown, but not yet fully independent, and still need you. Just like child-birth, and the early years of parenthood and running a home, nothing could have prepared me for what this would feel like! And this is something that can chip away at internal resources, and which I intend to come back to. Please let me know if this is something that resonates ☺️

(and the album’s called Bingo Knickers, and we were Snaffler:)

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